In Brief: Councils Announce Extra Christmas Parking

IN RESPONSE to demand, Bournemouth and Poole councils have opened up extra parking spaces for Christmas shoppers.

"Now we can restock" say thankful West Howe youths

YOUTH in the West Howe area have welcomed a bus company's decision to restore services to the area, as after two days without an evening service, their arsenal of missiles was running low and they had no buses to get to shops to restock.

"I Believe We Have Cured Poole Bay's Damp Problem" says Steve Wells

THE CHIEF EXECUTIVE of Bournemouth Council's Housing Department  rental property empire Dave Wells Properties, James Murdoch Steve Wells, has told the Bournemouth Bubble that the damp problem that has plagued Poole Bay for centuries has now been fixed.

Poole Bridge Gets the Day Off School

POOLE Lifting Bridge was celebrating yesterday after it was revealed that it would get Wednesday off school due to public sector strikes.

Ice Aeroplane Display "Not a good idea, on reflection"

BOURNEMOUTH AIR FESTIVAL organisers say that today's display from aeroplanes made of ice wasn't the most intelligent idea they have had.

"Oh crap" says Bournemouth

BOURNEMOUTH last night put its head into its hands, as the town realised the sheer scale of how badly it had cocked up.

Bournemouth Eye Grounded to Stop People Realising There's Not Much to Do

THE OPERATORS of the Bournemouth Eye balloon have revealed they have been ordered not to fly the balloon this summer in an attempt to make Bournemouth seem more interesting than it is.

Dave Wells: "Vote for whoever you want...as long as you have somewhere else to sleep"

BOURNEMOUTH property magnate and Overlord of Chavs, Dave Wells, yesterday issued a letter to his tenants urging them to vote for whoever they wanted in the council elections...provided they had somewhere else to live.

Search for Good Samaritan who stole and dumped Tory's leaflets continues

THE SEARCH continues to find the Good Samaritan who stole a Conservative councillor's car and then dumped his campaign leaflets a safe distance away.

Mobile Chavs will help combat new CCTV cameras

THE LOCAL chapter of scallies and ne'er-do-wells yesterday announced a new initiative to help combat the spread of mobile CCTV cameras.

Man 'Disgusted' at Tesco Porn Mobile: "I wanted Tesco Finest"

A New Milton man has spoken of his disgust at finding Tesco Value pornography on his new mobile phone, when he had specifically asked for Finest.

Locals Welcome Drug House Bust as "One Less Pill to Take"

RESIDENTS of Bournemouth hailed the police force's raiding and shutting down of a crystal meth factory in Springbourne, as it will mean they have one fewer pill to take each day.

Homeless Man in Student Flat 'Shocked by Quality of Food'

A HOMELESS man found eating in a student flat has spoken out at the 'appalling' quality of the food he stole.

Pokesdown Station Mural to Remind People They Live in Pokesdown

A MURAL set to be placed on the wall of Pokesdown rail station has been revealed today as a reminder to people that they live in Pokesdown.

"We Need Those to Feed People" say Council who Arrested Girls for Picking Daffodils

THREE GIRLS arrested for picking flowers in a park in Poole were today told by the council that they had taken food away from the borough's residents.

Council will help Japan by 'removing top floor of reactor'

BOURNEMOUTH Council yesterday offered assistance to Japanese authorities at the stricken Fukushima nuclear power plant by suggesting it solve all the problems by demolishing the top floor of the No 1 reactor, replacing it with a roof terrace.

Bournemouth Council Gives Up Saving Money for Lent

BOURNEMOUTH council announced yesterday, at a lavish champagne and caviar party, that it will be giving up saving money and spending wisely for Lent this year.

Poole Council to recycle Lib Dem councillors

POOLE COUNCIL has announced that a proposed £5m recycling centre on the Nuffield Estate will also be used to recycle Liberal Democrat councillors.

Everyone Misses Out on Preferred School

AS CHILDREN across the town receive letters telling them which secondary school they will attend, it has been revealed that none of them will be attending a decent school.

Dorset highway chief 'unable to drive new car on roads'

THE MAN responsible for overseeing the upkeep of Dorset's roads yesterday admitted he would not drive his new Bentley in Dorset due to the risk of damaging it.

BIC 'cannot compete with God' says Chief

BOURNEMOUTH INTERNATIONAL CENTRE today announced it was considering not setting up an ice rink during the summer, due to increased competition with God.

"Give us a break" say police, as rudeness complaints rise

DORSET police responded to figures showing that complaints against them were rising by telling the general public to 'piss off and rescue your own cat'.

MP Burns: Trip was 'excellent'

BOURNEMOUTH MP Conor Burns hit back at criticism of his recent trip to Bahrain, saying that he had great fun mingling with people who earnt less than him.

Coalition Introduces Internet-Friendly Petrol Prices

THE GOVERNMENT is trialling what it calls 'internet-friendly' at a petrol station in Poole.

Santa Plagiarism Case Dismissed

FAMOUS kid's bedroom invader Santa Claus today lost a landmark case against a New Forest attraction. 

New Forest to Sell Government

AFTER THE Government today announced it was scrapping the idea of selling off Britain's forests, including the New Forest, forestry chiefs announced that they would instead be selling the Government.

Film Companies Pretend Bournemouth has Good Weather

BOURNEMOUTH council slammed film companies today, who filmed the town's beaches last July and tried to pass off the film as the middle of summer.

Charminster Call to Rapper: It's Also Not Like England Here

THE PEOPLE of Charminster today told rapper Tinie Tempah that he may find their suburb cheaper than Sandbanks, but just as good.

Wilts & Dorset Unveil Ninja Bus

A LOCAL bus company have announced they are in possession of the world's first Ninja bus.

Man Without Photoshop Skills to Revolutionise Poole

A NEW political party in Poole plans to revitalise the town with a new charter, to bring the town back to it's former glory.

Bournemouth Council to Recycle Everything it Can

BOURNEMOUTH COUNCIL announced that it is aiming to be in the top ten councils for recycling. It believes that a new idea to recycle everything it possibly can will help it achieve this.

Noise From Jousting Centre 'Could Drown Out Dying Foxes'

A JOUSTING centre planned for the New Forest has been met with objections from local residents who say the noise from men on horseback fighting each other could disturb men on horseback fighting small animals.

Posh Club Loses Licence After Hijinks

A BOURNEMOUTH club which serves £1000 cocktails has had its licence revoked after some 'bally good laughs' went a little over the top.

Ex-Boscombe Gym to House People Boscombe Residents Think Are Scum

A PLANNING application submitted to Bournemouth Council for the old David Lloyd gym in Boscombe has revealed that planners have managed to find people that even Boscombe residents would consider scum.

"We won't tell if you won't" say council

DORSET county council yesterday announced that 'What happens in the dark stays in the dark". The council, announcing its plan to turn off streetlights between midnight and 5am reassured residents that it wouldn't tell on them, as long as they had the council's back too.

Town Mourns Speed Camera

POOLE declared two days of town-wide mourning last night, after the death of its most beloved speed camera.

Man Threatens to Nuke Bournemouth

RESIDENTS of Bournemouth were in fear for their lives yesterday, as a man barricaded himself inside a flat with an increasingly deadly series of weapons.