The man is thought to have mastered the art of teleportation, as he armed himself with an increasing intensity of weaponry without even leaving the house. Initially, police were called to the area after receiving of a report of a man inside a flat with a cocktail stick. By the time they arrived, he had a small fork.
Police chief, Sergeant Collins confirmed the story: "We were called to an address following a report of a man with a small kitchen implement. On arrival, we discovered he had swapped this for a larger implement. Our officers called for armed response, who have experience in dealing with situations like this. However, by their arrival, the man had already got a pizza cutter, and they only have training for spork-related crime or lesser."
The siege, however, got more serious when the weaponry got heavier. One eyewitness said, "I saw the man had a gun, I thought it was initially a pistol, but when I looked closer, it was a sub-machine gun. Well, I say looked, but I just read it on Twitter."
After hours of tense negotiating, police were unable to determine what was happening inside the property, so asked local residents for their opinion. It was then decided that the man was harbouring a nuclear device, and was threatening to destroy the town if his demands were not met.
Local man Adam Kirk followed the progress: "We think he was poised with his finger over the Detonate button. Well, me and my mate reckon, anyway. According to our friend, he wanted to keep the Imax. What a crazy guy."
Police entered the property in the early hours but found nothing. "We know they are there somewhere" said a spokesman. "But we couldn't even find a cocktail stick".
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