BOURNEMOUTH council announced yesterday, at a lavish champagne and caviar party, that it will be giving up saving money and spending wisely for Lent this year.
The council has many plans for how to fritter its cash over the coming weeks, as leader Graham Roberts told guests: "Lent was the period during which Jesus was awaiting his inevitable death. With the council elections in May, we know how he feels, so we are going to go out with a bang. I'm sure if Jesus had received council tax, he would have done the same."
Roberts went on to announce some of the projects the council will be embarking on in the next few weeks. On the hot topic of the Waterfront building, ex-home of the Imax cinema, he announced that it would be turned into a replica of the Eiffel Tower made entirely of gold: "I know we said we were going to reduce its height, but this is better. Besides, we said we were going to knock it down back when we first came in...and look what we did with that."
Also announced were plans to put speed humps on all roads in the town, which Roberts claimed would slow people down enough to make the new congestion-charging-by-the-minute plan more profitable. The council will also turn Bournemouth Square into a giant outdoor casino, with a market selling tat.
"We think these plans will cement this council's place in history. Don't forget to vote for us."
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