AFTER THE Government today announced it was scrapping the idea of selling off Britain's forests, including the New Forest, forestry chiefs announced that they would instead be selling the Government.
The New Forest National Park Authority claimed that the idea would provide urgently-needed funds to maintain the area between Southampton and Bournemouth. The Authority's chairman, Michael Armstrong, said that selling the Government to the highest bidder would help improve it: "We think it's a win-win situation here. Our forest gets much-needed funding, which will make it more accessible, and the Government has a fence put up around it so nothing can get in or out, without paying for the privilege."
"We don't expect to get all that much for them, as most people would find that they have very little practical use. But I think that people will find it better to have the Right Honourable Tesco Express David Cameron MP in charge of the country. Mind you, I don't know if he'd be happy if Virgin bought him..."
Armstrong also stressed how similar schemes in the past have benefited the country: "Take a look at the coal mining industry, for example. After privatisation, the vast majority of pits were shut down and closed because they weren't profitable. We think a similar scheme for MPs would be of great value."
MPs, however, were concerned by the plans. A senior Conservative MP told us: "This is deeply worrying for me...I thought that had already happened. Now, if you don't mind, I'm off to meet Rupert Murdoch before he takes over Sky next week. Oh, um, if the...er...Ofcom thingy says it's OK. I'm sure they will."
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