"We won't tell if you won't" say council

DORSET county council yesterday announced that 'What happens in the dark stays in the dark". The council, announcing its plan to turn off streetlights between midnight and 5am reassured residents that it wouldn't tell on them, as long as they had the council's back too.

A council spokesman said, "Look, it's gonna be dark. You're not gonna be able to see who you're with. I thought he was my wife, OK? She has the same sort of stubble. But I'm not gonna say anything, so as long as you don't, we'll all be alright."

It's thought that such mistakes are likely to increase with the rollout of blackouts across the county, which spans from Christchurch to Lyme Regis. Concerned residents were speaking quietly about the plan, in case anyone heard. One man, who did not want to be named told us: "I'm worried about this blackout. Last time, I was really drunk and you know what it's like. It was dark, I was overexcited, I just couldn't tell it wasn't my girlfriend. She was really annoyed the next morning though. I cleaned up the washing machine as best I could, but it wasn't good enough for her."

Dorset county council responded, saying: "The blackout does not apply to people's private homes, so the washing machine incident was not of our doing. The only inanimate objects which need to worry are postboxes, bins, and bus stations. Lamp-posts too, but they're used to it."

Meanwhile, in preparation for the blackout, the county's sheep were being locked indoors overnight. East Dorset farmer Bill Stevens said "It happens even in the daylight. But my sheep aren't just objects to be used, they need to love and that involves making a deep connection with their lovers. You just can't do that in the dark."