"Pretty please with a cherry on top, clean that flat" Council tells Landlords

The results of a council survey into living conditions in private rented accommodation in Boscombe have come in, and prompted the council to reach out to private landlords, promising to be their best friend forever if they cleaned them up.

'Superclub' Plans Turn Everyone into Old People

Newly unveiled plans to merge two of Bournemouth nightclubs into one 'Superclub' have caused everyone over the age of 25 to morph into pensioners.

"No planes, no tourists" - Bournemouth's Overnight Transformation

RESIDENTS of Bournemouth were in shock this morning, as the town seemed to have made a miraculous transformation overnight.

Kings Park to get "gates of Heaven"

KINGS PARK looks set to get its current gates replaced with the gates of Heaven, purely to screw with the heads of elderly residents.

Giant Deckchair to Replace Bridge

REPRESENTATIVES of Poole Council have approached the company who put a giant deckchair on Bournemouth beach to take it to use as a bridge.

In Brief: Councils Announce Extra Christmas Parking

IN RESPONSE to demand, Bournemouth and Poole councils have opened up extra parking spaces for Christmas shoppers.

"Now we can restock" say thankful West Howe youths

YOUTH in the West Howe area have welcomed a bus company's decision to restore services to the area, as after two days without an evening service, their arsenal of missiles was running low and they had no buses to get to shops to restock.

"I Believe We Have Cured Poole Bay's Damp Problem" says Steve Wells

THE CHIEF EXECUTIVE of Bournemouth Council's Housing Department  rental property empire Dave Wells Properties, James Murdoch Steve Wells, has told the Bournemouth Bubble that the damp problem that has plagued Poole Bay for centuries has now been fixed.

Poole Bridge Gets the Day Off School

POOLE Lifting Bridge was celebrating yesterday after it was revealed that it would get Wednesday off school due to public sector strikes.

Ice Aeroplane Display "Not a good idea, on reflection"

BOURNEMOUTH AIR FESTIVAL organisers say that today's display from aeroplanes made of ice wasn't the most intelligent idea they have had.

"Oh crap" says Bournemouth

BOURNEMOUTH last night put its head into its hands, as the town realised the sheer scale of how badly it had cocked up.

Bournemouth Eye Grounded to Stop People Realising There's Not Much to Do

THE OPERATORS of the Bournemouth Eye balloon have revealed they have been ordered not to fly the balloon this summer in an attempt to make Bournemouth seem more interesting than it is.

Dave Wells: "Vote for whoever you want...as long as you have somewhere else to sleep"

BOURNEMOUTH property magnate and Overlord of Chavs, Dave Wells, yesterday issued a letter to his tenants urging them to vote for whoever they wanted in the council elections...provided they had somewhere else to live.

Search for Good Samaritan who stole and dumped Tory's leaflets continues

THE SEARCH continues to find the Good Samaritan who stole a Conservative councillor's car and then dumped his campaign leaflets a safe distance away.

Mobile Chavs will help combat new CCTV cameras

THE LOCAL chapter of scallies and ne'er-do-wells yesterday announced a new initiative to help combat the spread of mobile CCTV cameras.

Man 'Disgusted' at Tesco Porn Mobile: "I wanted Tesco Finest"

A New Milton man has spoken of his disgust at finding Tesco Value pornography on his new mobile phone, when he had specifically asked for Finest.

Locals Welcome Drug House Bust as "One Less Pill to Take"

RESIDENTS of Bournemouth hailed the police force's raiding and shutting down of a crystal meth factory in Springbourne, as it will mean they have one fewer pill to take each day.

Homeless Man in Student Flat 'Shocked by Quality of Food'

A HOMELESS man found eating in a student flat has spoken out at the 'appalling' quality of the food he stole.

Pokesdown Station Mural to Remind People They Live in Pokesdown

A MURAL set to be placed on the wall of Pokesdown rail station has been revealed today as a reminder to people that they live in Pokesdown.

"We Need Those to Feed People" say Council who Arrested Girls for Picking Daffodils

THREE GIRLS arrested for picking flowers in a park in Poole were today told by the council that they had taken food away from the borough's residents.