Newly unveiled plans to merge two of Bournemouth nightclubs into one 'Superclub' have caused everyone over the age of 25 to morph into pensioners.
Middle-aged men and women across the borough were heard grumbling to themselves about the plan to get the radioactive Viper Lounge to bite the V nightclub, thereby turning into a Superclub. Plans are not yet finalised, but it is believed that V will gain the superpower to vaporise the elderly should they stray within ten feet.
But the real problem for most is that all but the very youngest people will age rapidly on hearing about the plan. We talked to Ben Leigh, a 26-year-old PR worker about the plans. He was naturally shocked: "Really? They're merging them together? I'm not sure that's going to be a great idea, because they are already both very popular. But then I suppose that's kids for you these days, always going out to these discotheques and getting drunk. I don't understand what the attraction is, therefore I hate it. It's a rubbish idea and the council should be thinking about other things. Like why can't I use my bus pass before half past nine?"
Middle-aged men and women across the borough were heard grumbling to themselves about the plan to get the radioactive Viper Lounge to bite the V nightclub, thereby turning into a Superclub. Plans are not yet finalised, but it is believed that V will gain the superpower to vaporise the elderly should they stray within ten feet.
But the real problem for most is that all but the very youngest people will age rapidly on hearing about the plan. We talked to Ben Leigh, a 26-year-old PR worker about the plans. He was naturally shocked: "Really? They're merging them together? I'm not sure that's going to be a great idea, because they are already both very popular. But then I suppose that's kids for you these days, always going out to these discotheques and getting drunk. I don't understand what the attraction is, therefore I hate it. It's a rubbish idea and the council should be thinking about other things. Like why can't I use my bus pass before half past nine?"
A 30-year-old after hearing the news
Elsewhere across the borough, as news spread, there were reports of thirtysomethings gathering at the entrance to Beales, standing in the way as they talked about "kids these days". One member of the public even reported seeing a middle-aged man waving a walking stick at a shop assistant, because the price of a flat cap had gone up since last year.
A council spokesperson said "It's something we cannot stop. But those kids had it coming, always running about with their rap and their swags. Now Bournemouth is full of old people and kids who go out clubbing, and one day they'll get wh...wait, nothing's changed, has it?"
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