BIC 'cannot compete with God' says Chief

BOURNEMOUTH INTERNATIONAL CENTRE today announced it was considering not setting up an ice rink during the summer, due to increased competition with God.

"Give us a break" say police, as rudeness complaints rise

DORSET police responded to figures showing that complaints against them were rising by telling the general public to 'piss off and rescue your own cat'.

MP Burns: Trip was 'excellent'

BOURNEMOUTH MP Conor Burns hit back at criticism of his recent trip to Bahrain, saying that he had great fun mingling with people who earnt less than him.

Coalition Introduces Internet-Friendly Petrol Prices

THE GOVERNMENT is trialling what it calls 'internet-friendly' at a petrol station in Poole.

Santa Plagiarism Case Dismissed

FAMOUS kid's bedroom invader Santa Claus today lost a landmark case against a New Forest attraction. 

New Forest to Sell Government

AFTER THE Government today announced it was scrapping the idea of selling off Britain's forests, including the New Forest, forestry chiefs announced that they would instead be selling the Government.

Film Companies Pretend Bournemouth has Good Weather

BOURNEMOUTH council slammed film companies today, who filmed the town's beaches last July and tried to pass off the film as the middle of summer.

Charminster Call to Rapper: It's Also Not Like England Here

THE PEOPLE of Charminster today told rapper Tinie Tempah that he may find their suburb cheaper than Sandbanks, but just as good.

Wilts & Dorset Unveil Ninja Bus

A LOCAL bus company have announced they are in possession of the world's first Ninja bus.

Man Without Photoshop Skills to Revolutionise Poole

A NEW political party in Poole plans to revitalise the town with a new charter, to bring the town back to it's former glory.

Bournemouth Council to Recycle Everything it Can

BOURNEMOUTH COUNCIL announced that it is aiming to be in the top ten councils for recycling. It believes that a new idea to recycle everything it possibly can will help it achieve this.

Noise From Jousting Centre 'Could Drown Out Dying Foxes'

A JOUSTING centre planned for the New Forest has been met with objections from local residents who say the noise from men on horseback fighting each other could disturb men on horseback fighting small animals.

Posh Club Loses Licence After Hijinks

A BOURNEMOUTH club which serves £1000 cocktails has had its licence revoked after some 'bally good laughs' went a little over the top.

Ex-Boscombe Gym to House People Boscombe Residents Think Are Scum

A PLANNING application submitted to Bournemouth Council for the old David Lloyd gym in Boscombe has revealed that planners have managed to find people that even Boscombe residents would consider scum.

"We won't tell if you won't" say council

DORSET county council yesterday announced that 'What happens in the dark stays in the dark". The council, announcing its plan to turn off streetlights between midnight and 5am reassured residents that it wouldn't tell on them, as long as they had the council's back too.

Town Mourns Speed Camera

POOLE declared two days of town-wide mourning last night, after the death of its most beloved speed camera.

Man Threatens to Nuke Bournemouth

RESIDENTS of Bournemouth were in fear for their lives yesterday, as a man barricaded himself inside a flat with an increasingly deadly series of weapons.